12.06.12
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Self-wetting and nonself-wetting or the person you are and the person you would like to be

Image

Eventually we all grow out of bed-wetting, and then eventually we start growing into it again…

I think that most of us have a picture of ourselves. It is a physical picture or a digital one or one whose existence is merely in our heads. Most likely it is the latter that is most common. A picture of ourselves looking our very best, feeling good. I don’t know how your picture looks. But mine is exactly eight years old. I know that person in the picture. We get together now and again. But recently he seems to be busy elsewhere. Where did you go, my friend?

My guess is that he is sleeping. Because I haven’t slept a whole night in 8 years. (Wha wha, say all of the insomniacs out there, I’ve never slept, they say. Okay fine, you win…) This fact doesn’t really bother me much. Not really. There must be scientific research that proves that if you are chronically, ever so slightly, sleep deprived that you get used to it. You might die younger, you might lack creative thinking. But you don’t suffer, at least not emotionally and not on a daily basis. Not like those that stay up too late one night, then are hungover and it takes a week to recover. (That happens to me too, except I don’t recover, at least not yet anyway. Plus I don’t think there is anything else worse than being hungover and have three kids under the age of 9. I have another picture of myself. New Year’s morning, 2007. Uppsala, 6:45. RAT playing on the floor in our friends’ kitchen. Everyone else asleep. My head in my hands. Or New Year’s morning 2012. Water gushing into the apartment from the hallway. Me thinking, “Geeze, did we spill so much last night?” No, it was a broken pipe…)

wet_bed_temp_forWBD

Perhaps it doesn’t look this bad after a particular wetting, but sometimes it feels close. Image courtesy of ithinkx’s

What I am talking about is gray hairs. Crows feet. Blue bags. That picture I was talking about earlier, he doesn’t have those things. I do. (Wha wha, someone else says, you are a white, middle-class male living as a diplomat, what are you complaining about. Okay fine, you win, again…) What got me started here actually doesn’t have anything to do with sleep. It has to do with pee. And the perfect storm. All three, awake, and self-wet. In my bed, in their beds, in the mattresses and cots we have spread out throughout our house.

That is what I have a problem with. Not being awake as such, but rather being awake and being damp, but not self-wet. That picture I was talking about earlier, of that young man, he didn’t even know what he was getting himself into. Good thing, because otherwise nothing would ever be done in this world. And honestly, I don’t miss that guy all that much. I’m much happier today with my non-self-wet bed, even if I am a tired.

11.22.12
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How does one become WBD?

A philosophy of parenting, or perhaps a manifesto, so to speak. One that surrounds two general concepts in which all matters of parenting then proceed.

1. survival

As defined in the broadest possible terms. Children are merely visitors to your life. You had a life before children and you will have a life after they stop returning your phone calls. It is thus important to maintain friendships, interests and sanity so that these will be intact when the time comes. Perhaps even a living partnership with another adult who also loves your children is important. The last one is the most difficult of all and plays into the second general concept, namely:

2. endure

This comes as a result of the fact the child rearing is (at times) relentless, excruciating and just plan boring.* This must be endured, with a modicum of goodwill. Knowledge of this will enhance patience and produce appropriate survival skills. To endure is to love your children. And to endure one must also survive. But don’t forget the goodwill. My belief (take it as you will) is that to endure is to enjoy and that enjoyment must be shared with the children and those other people that you need for survival.

What’s left then?

*Sometimes it’s not and it’s those times that we remember, at least I think so. Ask the grandparents. They have a tendency to only remember the good times and the hard times seem not have existed at all. This is curious because many adults seldom reflect upon the good times of their childhood and focus all of their energy on the bad times. This thought is also important to this philosophy. Parents have, at the end of the day, very little influence upon whether the children end up being good, or not so good people. There is very little we as parents can do about this. On the other hand, if we treat kids like second class citizens, but then we almost certainly create second class adults.

11.16.12
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Dilemma: Help now or forever miss capturing the action for posterity?

I just encountered a scenario that briefly called into question my own internal standing as Worlds Best Daddy (WBD) and I’m eager to see what my loyal subjects, I mean followers think about how I handled it. I’m confident you’ll agree WBD did the best thing for both the internet and of course my child.

Setting the scene:

It was a dark and rainy night, very Film Noir (well I guess it still is because it just happened), and I had just picked AT up from daycare. She was as happy as ever to see me – meaning she was really dissapointed that mom wasn’t there, but that’s besides the point. You don’t get to be WBD by worrying about what your kids want.

Anyway, her daycare is quite nice and in the new “tech ghetto” of Seattle, South Lake Union. There are a ton of people crossing the street and  couple that with the awfulness of Seattle drivers, and it’s really nerve-wracking and you have to be extra careful, especially in the rain, with a screaming 2.5 year old in the car demanding “MORE CRACKERS NOW DADDY!”

So as per usual at this time of night, in this part of town, with this weather, I was a bit distracted (also, I was trying to send a text message and look at google maps, but that’s neither here nor there). When out of nowhere, my precious angel changes the cadence of her scream and I can tell that it’s not about crackers. I look back and AT has spun a Chinese Finger Torture (that’s probably not very PC, sorry) with her hair and it’s cutting off the circulation to her right pointer finger.

Backing up a bit, AT regularly spins her hair and it kinda drives me crazy. I used to work with a woman who I’d consider one of the dumbest and most annoying people on earth and she used to twirl her hair constantly. I associate it with stupidity and it absolutely freaks me out that my little uber-intelligent-smarty-pants could have such a “tick.” I choose to believe that there is no correlation and that the dumby I used to work with was just doing it to antagonize me personally.

As Andie was obviously scared and in pain, I pulled over immediately to rectify the situation and help her untangle, but then I had a thought, perhaps she’d want me to take a photo of it?  I’ve done all kinds of dumb stuff as both an adult and an adolescent, so I’m sure I must have done even dumber things as a child, yet there is no photographic evidence of this. I’d like to have photo evidence of that bean I stuck in my nose, but I’ll admit that I’m not a normal person.

So her finger was getting pretty purple at this point and I don’t feel great about it, but here’s the photo.

If it’s any consolation AT, I really believe you’ll be happy that I caught this for posterity. And thankfully, we were able to save the tip of your finger… and your hair. Actually cutting your hair was my first inclination, but then I remembered you have picture day tomorrow and I can’t deal with the wrath of your mom if you show up looking like some weird hipster.

 

The moral of the story is that we are all winners. I was able to save her hair, her finger, and the image for eternity.

11.14.12
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The Currency of Potty Training

Kate Fox, Toddler-tips-and-tricks.com

Anyone who has potty trained a toddler knows you need a few things to be successful. First, you need a willing and ready toddler. Second, and almost equally as important, you need an equally willing and ready parent. Some idealist would stop right there and feel ready — but this combination alone leaves out a major player in American potty training. Do you see what’s missing? That’s right…. candy!

Now, most of the time I’d vilify candy just as much as the next person for being the empty calorie, cavity-promoting, dinner-spoiler that it is. But in the realm of potty training, candy is king. Think about it, we’re talking about convincing a toddler to excrete on a giant, flushing bowl of water rather than in a soft, absorbent diaper! Do you really know of a vegetable with the motivation power needed to accomplish this? I don’t.

Just because it works for you, doesn’t mean we endorse it for your children until they have that paper route when they’re 10.

The trick with using candy is to know exactly how to use it. You give too much candy and your toddler isn’t left wanting more. You don’t give enough and your toddler feels the reward is not worth the effort.  You have to find that perfect balance. Maybe it’s two Skittles for going #1, three Skittles for going #2. Maybe each bodily function deserves its own type of candy: M&Ms for pee, a Starburst for poop.  And then you’ve gotta figure out the reward for going on strange toilets. How much is going on the self-flushing toilet at the library worth? Or the spider infested one at the park? Wait… scratch that last one. How much to get the kid to pee behind the tree instead?

It’s a delicate balance, but somewhere in the midst of the successes and the failures, a “big kid” emerges looking pretty similar to that little munchkin you still like to call your baby. And you can’t help but think how much more painful of a process it would have been without the sugar!

Kate Fox is a contributing author at www.toddler-tips-and-tricks.com and, as you can tell from her post, the master of child-rearing-slight-of-hand. You can reach her at marketing@toddler-tips-and-tricks.com

10.17.12
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Tempo is like, real important… According to Goob, World’s #2 Dad (and my brother)

Tempo. It’s what I am looking for when I am with my kids. It’s not about hurrying, or stressing. That just makes things worse. It’s about moving things along smoothly. Anyone who has worked as a waiter can understand this. If things move too slowly, the plates stack up in the kitchen or tables get irritated waiting. If things move too quickly, no one has a chance to digest or the food fails to be plated properly. No good.

The same goes for solo parenting. Tempo is important when you are co-parenting as well, but not as important. If things slow down, one of you can pick up the slack. If things go too fast, then your partner can shift gears if need be, slowing things down. That’s harder when you are on your own.

Tempo is unfortunately about preparation. You need a plan. I think this used to be called routines. “Children like routines” I’ve heard it said. Really? Who likes routine? Well I do, but that’s because I am anal. But I would prefer not to pass that along to my children.

No, not routine, tempo. First one thing, then the next, then the next, moving smoothly along. It’s not about time, its about feeling. Routines are about time. At this time we do this, at this time we do that. That can be problematic with children under 10. Never know when they might start playing nicely. Don’t want to break that up because of routine. (Maybe I can find 20 minutes to read my book and drink a cup of coffee…)

Tempo is about overlapping occurrences that lead to group harmony. Food preparation that can be done when pictures are drawn. Then the table is to be set, so everyone should wash their hands. Maybe a short TV session while the dishes are being done, then it’s outside and the park. Maybe do the shopping while the kids play with the neighbors. You get the point. Tempo.

Q-tips are great for tempo, just don’t let them be put back in the box

The biggest downside to tempo is that it is exhausting. Who wants to be so planned-out all of the time? I don’t have the stamina to do it every day that the kids are home. Nor would I really want to for that matter.

Going to try to contribute to WBD as often as I can, just to make sure that kungfoolery gets some competition for the title of World’s Best Daddy…

09.25.12
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It’s not a competition to be world’s best daddy, dad… or father, it’s for the children you selfish selfish man.

World’s Best Daddy, not to be confused with World’s Best Father (which sounds quite impish if you say it out loud) occassionally allows his daughter to gain valuable nutrients through washable pen…. and hang out in creepy lighting to build character.

Today on squidslist they profiled a nice little art project about some guy in DC with a photo montage, titled World’s Best Father – capturing lurid photos of himself lounging about while his child is subject to non-age-appropriate things like babysitting and coffee-making – she’s only 3! Rest assured the cease and desist letter has already been drafted and it has quite a few exclamation points!!!!  But this isn’t about who is or definitely is not the worlds best male parent, it’s about bringing awareness to the craft of fathering.

And where did he get this title anyway? Father makes it sound like we are in the 1950’s or England or something, Here in America we demand our children refer to us as Daddy. If I had to speculate, I’d say his wasn’t even a real title that was earned, like mine, which I received after extensive training and certification at the Universal Life Church (where coincidentally, you can use my coupon code, WorldsBestDaddy.ORG, to get 25% your theological ordainment and be marrying people or animals with just 3 clicks and your credit card number).

Unlike this profiteer, World’s Best Daddy is an O-R-G, meaning it’s here as both a repository or receptacle for Daddy’s to “get their learn on” and I can GUARANTEE you there is a 0% chance I ever make a dime off it. I find the greatest reward is simple do-gooder-ness. I’m not one to start a beef with some guy out there just because it will hopefully drive some traffic to my blog, I just want to make sure that everyone knows that there’s an alternative and that I am in fact the title holder.

09.16.12
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WBD’s TV Review for Toddlers… the best babysitter!

I think there is a fine line between making your kid a mouth-breather and periodically getting a little break from parenting and giving your kid a little of what we all love – TV! There’s a reason why the good people at the TV ratings services Neilsen say that Americans spend on average 11 hours per day in front of them – TV’s addictingly good… and addicting. That being said, I don’t let AT watch more than a couple of hours per week…ish.

There is this unfair stigma associated with parenting through a little bit of TV and I’ve written a Kid TV Show Review Roundup not only because it might give some other parents good ideas, but because I’m brave enough to say, yes, I let my kid watch a little TV. I’ve seen some of whom I would consider the most attentive young parents regularly resort to a bit of the TV as babysitter too.

If you can believe it, she actually gets bored with TV pretty quickly and resorts to things like playing… weird

The show or movie I review must obviously be acceptable to the kid. Surprisingly, nature shows are not yet acceptable to my 2.25 yr old . I can only hope she dislikes animals. However unlikely, that’d awesome when the age of desiring another dog or a pony or horseback riding lessons usually hits with little girls.

Enjoyable

Kipper, Totoro, Fraggle Rock

Kipper is the greatest kids show ever created. It might also happen to be the quietest kids show ever created. Kipper does very little, and he has very little interaction with anyone or thing. He scores some very minor victories and everyone is generally walking at a very even pace at a very even keel.

Totoro is a Japanese movie that also has very little going on and is quite quiet. Created in the 80’s and dubbed in English by some child stars that are now tweenagers, it combines a nuanced and touching story, some great music, and amazing drawing to give kids and parents a nice relaxing, yet thoughtful, movie.

Jim Henson hit a homer to the mind of mid-80’s Jamie Taylor.  I was always really pumped when I was fortunate enough to be at a friend’s house that was lucky enough to have HBO and my favorite show, Fraggle Rock, came on. I was too disadvantaged to have HBO I guess, but following my mantra of forcing everything I wanted when I was a kid on my daughter, I’ve enjoyed watching with her on Netflix (although she loses interest pretty fast).

Tolerable

Dora the Explorer is definitely an interactive show, which is great. It’s multilingual, which makes me feel better about allowing her to watch TV. However, it’s very slow and probably best suited for kids that are too young to be watching TV. They could advance the story faster and Andie’d be able to keep up just fine.

INTOLERABLE

Sesame Street, Everything that’s on Nickelodeon including but not limited to: Nick Kids, Nick Jr., Nick Pre-Teen, Nick Teen!, Nick U, Nick in the City, Nick en Espanol, Nick the Greek, or Nickleback XM Sirius Sattelite Radio.

It pains me dearly to say this, but Sesame Street is no longer a great show. It’s not even a good show. It’s pretty much intolerable. What makes this situation even worse is that the Elmofication of Sesame Street and the featured monster’s addictive personalities and high pitched cadence not only has driven the show into a ditch, but it makes kids love it. I wonder if we as parents just always spoke in a high-pitched and high-energy smiley voice if our kids would always do what we wanted? Probably worth experimenting. I’ve written about my disdain for the speech impediments that the primary characters are reinforcing in kids, so I won’t rehash here.

This show is the pride of public television and probably the most influential media absorbed for a certainly large swath of American society, so it’s disappointing the tact the creators have taken to make the monsters featured  v. the classic characters (Big Bird, The Count, Bert & Ernie, et al.) and humans (Gordon, that other guy). Sesame Street undoubtedly had amazing music, innovative teaching methods, beautiful art, and made New York City look gorgeous and set the standard for children’s television – now it’s overproduced drivel. The guy that voices and puppets Elmo seems like a talent and a great story, but his character is absolutely awful.

I don’t have cable so I can’t actually confirm Nickelodeon sucks, but my last viewing of it made it seem like the only point was to sell squeezable sugary breakfast cereals. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

This is obviously not a comprehensive list. I found out about Kipper from my cousin Fran, and Totoro was a gift from my brother, so please comment below (not on facebook) with any other great, mellow, loved-by-kids movies or TV – the quieter the better.

08.31.12
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Thank you for your patronage of World’s Best Daddy.org

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my experience being a single dad and perhaps I may have somethings to share-with and gain-insights-from, the fathering public. I’ve made quite a few posts about my experiences at my other blog, kung-foolery.com – but I set this up to focus solely on the daddy aspects of my life. Thanks for stopping by, leaving a comment or two, and helping me help myself and yourself.

This is me and my sweetheart kid, who I’ll refer to as AT at worldsbestdaddy.org